Problematic
by Fairyhearts and El
Summary: A "TV show" fixing problems of random (or not so random) Fairy Tail characters. Hosts: Sophia White (fairyhearts), Alyson Altava (El) and Mydna Sandor (AD). Complete with no credits and cheesy theme music!
1. Chapter 1

**Fairyhearts: So here it is...the answers to all your problems  
El: Except for if you need food. We don't sell food here  
AD: Of course we don't  
Natsu: I'm confused  
El: Again? I mean, I knew you were dumb, but I didn't think that you were this dumb!  
Fairyhearts: Hello? Isn't anyone going to disclaim this thing before El bashes Natsu's head onto the floor and kills him?  
Lucy: Right-  
Levy: Hold on! I need to make something clear before you go ahead with the disclaimer  
Lucy: Why does everyone always interrupt ****_my_**** disclaimers?  
Levy: I interrupted yours because anyone else would kill me Lu-chan!  
Lucy: Why am I the nice and predictable one?  
Levy: Anyway, I am ****_not_**** going out with Gajeel, you hear me?  
Lucy: You interrupted because of that? Everyone knows that! They also know that you love him. None of the people own Fairy Tail!  
Levy: Hey!  
Fairyhearts/El/AD: Finally!**

* * *

Chapter 1

*cheesy theme music plays and Sophia walks in.

Hi and welcome to Problematic! The new talk show held here, on fairyhearts TV, evey Saturday

night. Here we will ask our guests their problems and give them a solution! I'm your host, Sophia

White. I'm here with my friends, Midna Sandor and Alyson Altava.

Today we de-problemate Fairy Tail's own, Team Natsu!

Our first guest is the resident celestial mage of Fairy Tail, Lucy Heartfilia.

S.W.- "So, Lucy. What seems to be the problem."

L.H.- "Natsu happens to be a destructive, dense, fire-breathing, pink-haired idiot that is forcing

my rent money to be used on repairs for things he destroyed."

S.W.- "Yes, that is a problem."

M.S.- "Have you tried solo missions?"

L.H.- "I learned not to underestimate the nose of a dragon slayer the hard way."

A.A.- "Me too." *glares at Sophia

S.W.- *laughs nervously. "Why don't you just tell him what you told us, only less aggressive, and

he might try to keep the city intact next time."

L.H.- "I'll try that but it probably won't work."

S.W.- "Sorry, can't help you there."

L.H.- "I thought you said you could solve all our problems."

S.W.- "Yeah, I lied."

Right then, our next guest is the one and only Titania, Erza Scarlett.

S.W.- "So, Erza. What seems to be the prob..."

A.A.- "Can I have an autograph?"

E.S.- "Uh, sure."

A.A.- "H.U.G.E fan. You're my idol, Erza-san."

E.S.- "You can just call me Erza."

S.W.- "Ahem. Now, as I was saying. What seems to be the problem?"

E.S.- "Weeeell, the guy I like lied to me and told me he had a fiancé. Now I don't know what to

do."

S.W.- "Jellal was just trying to protect you. He didn't want you to get hurt. I don't think he thought

it through. I can beat him up. Well, Ally will be doing the beating."

A.A.- *cracks knuckles. "My pleasure."

E.S.- "Okay. Two things. One, how did you know I was talking about Jellal? And two, if I want to

beat up anyone I'll do it myself. I don't need help."

S.W.- "In answer to your question, I follow your relationship very closely, or Ally does."

E.S.- "Psycho."

S.W.- *deadly aura. "Care to re-phrase that?"

E.S.- "Not psycho?"

S.W.- "Thank you. Now, why don't you just talk to him. Tell him your real feelings."

E.S.- "I-I'll try."

S.W.- "Great. We can move on."

Our next guest is that blue neko, Happy the Exceed.

S.W.- "So, Happy. What seems to be the problem?"

H.- "I have a tummy bug and can't eat fish."

M.S.- "You're just too cute."

H.- "Aye!" :3

S.W.- T.T' "Well, did you try fish flavoured vitamins? They'll help you recover and give you that

fish taste you crave."

H.- "That's not a bad idea. NATSU!"

S.W.- "H-he flew away."

Our next guest is our Icy Exhibitionist, Gray Fullbuster.

G.F.- "Why did you include the exhibitionist bit?"

S.W.- "It explains why you are only wearing boxers. Boxers that say 'Gruvia Forever' on them."

G.F.- 0.0

S.W.- "So, Gray. What seems to be the problem?"

G.F.- "Mira is forcing random people to sing karaoke at the guild. And, by random, I mean it

follows an extremely obvious pattern. I can't sing for my life."

S.W.- "Did you try singing lessons?"

G.F.- "No."

S.W.- "Idiot...he left."

Okay, this episode went fast. Our last guest is, the one you've all been waiting for (or not). The

Salamander of Fairy Tail. Natsu Dragneel.

N.D.- *raises hand

S.W.- "Y-yes?"

N.D.- "Why are we in Lucy's house?"

A.A.- "Because we got kicked out of the studio we were filming in. Something about 'Natsu

Dragneel being a spastic'."

N.D.- =§

M.S.- "What kind of face is that?"

N.D.- "An angry spastic!" :D

S.W.- "Moving on. So, Natsu. What seems to be the problem?"

N.D.- "Why do you always say that?"

S.W.- "Why do you always answer a question with a question?"

L.H.- "Because he's dumb!" (shouted from where everyone is gagged and bound in the corner)

A.A.- "I'll go gag her again..."

S.W.- "So, Natsu..."

N.D.- "I know, I know. 'What seems to be the problem?' Well, basically, I don't know how to treat

the girl I like."

S.W.- *evil grin. "Well, what does she like?"

N.D.- "Pretty things, like jewellery, books, stars..."

S.W.- "It's Lucy, isn't it?"

N.D.- "Noooooooo..." *very unconvincing

S.W.- "Natsu~"

N.D.- *defeated. "Yes."

S.W.- "Daaaaawwww."

N.D.- "What happened to the person threatening Erza a few minutes ago?"

S.W.- "I have multiple personalities." *shrugs. "Why, do you want to be threatened?"

N.D.- "I'm good, thanks."

L.H.- (finally loose from her bounds and standing) "Is that true, Natsu?"

N.D.- "Uh, yeah."

.

.

.

L.H.- "BISCA!"

N.D.- "Don't shoot yourself!"

L.H.- "Actually it's for advice. She is married, you know."

N.D.- "EH?! When did that happen? And why wasn't I invited?"

L.H.- "Everyone thought we were dead, idiot!"

S.W.- "Ooooo. Burn. Literally. We should run before Natsu kills us."

Well, this brings our first episode of Problematic to an end. The results of everyone's problems

will be on next week's episode. Next week's guests: Crime Sorciere. Thanks for watching, tune

in next Saturday for more Problematic!

*cheesy theme music plays and picture fades to credits which no one every pays attention to

so I won't type them. :D Less work for me!

* * *

**El: Why did I have to be the one that wanted an autograph? BTW, if you didn't know: Alyson Altava is my alter ego, Sophia White is Fairyhearts' alter ego and Mydna Sandor is AD's alter ego.  
Fairyhearts: You're the one who is a huge fan of Erza and is practically in love with Jellal. I reckon you only offered to beat him up so that you could meet him...**  
**El: Not true! Anyway, I'm not the kind of person who wants autographs or likes going to the zoo.**  
**AD: What does the zoo have anything to do with this?**  
**El: I'm just saying that I'm a depressing person who doesn't like the zoo, so I'm not exactly the kind of person who would ask for an autograph**  
**AD: Oh! You are so weird sometimes**  
**Erza: Hey! Did you just say that El loves Jellal? He's mine bitch!**  
**El: Lols! Don't worry, he is on my "strictly look and drool from far away" list of hot guys (although he is the only one I love)**  
**Erza: Oh...**  
**Fairyhearts: You have a "strictly look and drool from far away" list?  
El: Yeah...it has one name on it...  
Fairyhearts: ****Anyway, away from the weird Jellal and autograph and zoo talk, PLEASE REVIEW!  
****El/ AD: We agree!****  
**


	2. Apology

**Hi people. El here. I'm just here to tell you that "Episode" 2 will not be appearing on time this week due to an unexpected illness of the director. This meaning that Fairyhearts has gone and got herself sick and didn't finish "Episode" 2. Baka! Anyway, this is an apology to tell you that it will be put up later and Fairyhearts sends her deepest apologies from her sickbed. Or something like that...Really sorry! Anyway, you can send any abuse to Fairyhearts about getting sick so inconveniently to me instead (because I will be manning the account) and I will relay it to her (with pleasure...haha!).**

* * *

**Hey, I'm back. Just going to say that I am taking off the schedule on this and El and I probably won't update our stories for a while. DAMN YOU EXAMS! If you already read my profile you're probably thinking 'Why is she saying this again?'. It's because I know a lot of people don't bother to read the profiles. I'm reeeeeeaaaaaaally sorry minna and will have a thousand update ready when I return. (Exaggeration, I'm not a divine being...though if I was, I would be the Goddess of Anime and Manga and would force Mashima-san to make NaLu official!) **


	3. Chapter 2

**Fairyhearts: FINALLY!  
Tasha: I'm in this one amn't I?  
El: Welcome aboard Toshika.  
AD: When will MJ start helping out?  
Fairyhearts: When she finishes her alter ego. On with the story.  
MJ: Wait! We don't own Fairy Tail!**

* * *

*cheesey theme music plays and Sophia walks in. Ohayo, minna! It's Sophia here. Alyson had a freeker and ran because Jellal is on the show and Erza was threatening her about it last week, so yeah. She'll come back later, I think. But Midna's still here.

M.S.- "Yup. But it's boring with out Ally. Who's gonna threaten our guests?"

S.W.- "Okay then. Moving on.

Our first guest today is Jellal Fernandez. But don't tell anyone because he should be in jail. Shit, I wasn't supposed to say that. Can someone make the script clearer, please?"

Director- "You wrote the script, Sophia."

S.W.- "Ah. Yes. Well, bring out the fugitive."

J.F.- "Seriously, can you cut out the fugitive shit? It gets on my nerves."

M.S.- "Bitch got an attitude."

S.W.- "Oh, I almost forgot! Last week's results are due. Well, here they are!

Lucy- Success. Natsu is rich and gave her enough money to pay rent for a year. What do expect? He's a dragon, he hordes for a living.

Erza- Failure. She fainted when she tried to talk to Jellal.

Happy- Success. I don't think it could have failed.

Gray- Failure. His singing made the singing teacher's cat go demented. Which then scratched the teacher to death.

Natsu- Success! He managed to get Lucy to go on a date with him! Whether that was a success or not, we'll find out once he comes out of the full body cast. It's not looking good though."

J.F.- "This is the first I heard of it."

M.S.- "Dude. Since when do you keep up with news?"

J.F.- "Good point."

S.W.- "Shall we continue? So, Jellal. What seems to be the problem?"

A.A.- "I'm back. Jellal's interview is over. Righ...oh."

J.F.- "OMFG. It's you."

S.W./M.S.- *blink blink. "Did we miss something?"

J.F.- "It's the stal..."

A.A.- "Don't say it. I can and will rip your face off."

J.F.- *gulp

M.S.- "That's Ally for ya!"

S.W.- "Everyone keeps interupting!"

J.F.- "Yes, let's just continue the interview-problem-thingy."

M.S.- *whispers "None of this was in the script, was it?"

S.W.- *whispers back "No, no it wasn't."

J.F.- "Should I tell you my problem?"

S.W.- *nods "Yes, you should."

J.F.- "Well, Erza keeps fainting. Everyone else is saying it's only around me. It's starting to scare me." *stands up and shakes Sophia by the shoulders "I don't know what to do! I'm scared for her and I lie awake at night worrying about her. Please help me."

A.A./M.S./S.W.- "AWWWWW!"

S.W.- "That's sooooo sweet. Did you watch last weeks show?"

J.F.- "Um, obviously not."

M.S.- "Erza was here worrying about why you lied to her about all the fiance stuff. Don't deny it, everyone knows. And now you're here worrying about her behaviour! Not to mention that lots of girls out there lurve the bad boys. Yet you go for the girl who was in captivity with you. It's like a fairy tale!"

J.F.- "Don't you remember the name of her guild?"

S.W.- "IT'S DIFFERENT!"

J.F.- "GOMEN'DASAI!"

A.A.- "I think you should write her a note saying how you actually lo-"

T.A.- "Sorry I'm late!"

S.W.- "Ah, Toshika! Everyone, this is my half sister, Toshika Amadarame. Also, why were you late?!"

T.A.- "Whoever said 'heartbreak is the worst thing you will ever experience' has, clearly, never gotten toothpaste in their eye."

J.F./A.A./M.S./S.W.- O.O

A.A.- "So much for the script. As I was saying, write her a love letter or something so she doesn't faint when you try to tell her."

J.F.- "I'll try that, thanks."

S.W.- "Our next guest is Ultear Milkovich."

U.M.- "I'm pissed."

A.A.- "So am I."

M.S.- T.T'

S.W.- "OK? So, Ultear. What seems to be the problem."

U.M.- "MASHIMA IS TRYING TO FUCKING KILL MY ASS!"

T.A.- "You're ass looks fine to me."

S.W.- "Toshika!"

T.A.- "What?"

S.W.- "Ugh. Never mind. Well, Ultear. I'm sure Mashima won't kill you in the story, everyone loves your character!"

A.A.- "I didn't cry when Gray died but I cried when you died."

(somewhere in the universe)

G.F.- "Achoo! Someone must be saying how cool I am."

L.H.- "Yup. Constipated Overwaited Out-of-Fashion Loser!"

N.D.- "Nice one Luce."

L.H.- "Why thank you." *kisses Natsu on the cheek

N.D.- *blush

(back to the studio)

U.M.- *unshed tears "You guys are the best!"

.

.

.

S.W./A.A./M.S./T.A.- "That was totally out of character."

U.M.- "I'm just gonna go now."

T.A.- "Se you later, Ul-chan!" ^_^

S.W.- "And now for Ultear's adoptive daughter, Meredy!"

M.- "Hi everyone!"

E.- "Hi Mer-chan!"

T.A.- "Who are you?"

E.- "Everyone."

M.S.- "We didn't hire an Everyone."

E.- "Oh, I'll just go then."

S.W.- "So, Meredy. What seems to be the problem?"

M.- "I'm worried about Ul. She's going crazy. She needs a man in her life."

A.A.- ^_^' "I don't think that's the problem."

M.- "It isn't?"

M.S.- "No. Ultear's worried about Mashima killing her character in the manga."

M.- "That's terrible!"

S.W.- "I know! Here's an idea, why don't you start a petition for Ultear's survival."

M.- "Great. Everyone sign my petition at ! It's called 'Ultear will be a surviver 3 ^_^' "

*Survivor by Destiny's Child starts playing

T.A.- "Something tells me that she planned this."

S.W.- "I agree."

A.A.- "I approve!" :D

M.S.- "I'm lost."

S.W.- Well, that's all for today. We'll see you next time with Fairy Tail's Team Shadow Gear and Gajeel and Panther Lily.

Stay tuned for some Death Note coming up next.

* * *

**El: Oh God, that show is disturbing!  
Fairyhearts: You're so mean! D'X  
El: I meant Death Note.  
Fairyhearts: Oh, yeah. But I'll probably watch it anyway.  
MJ: What's Death Note?  
Tasha: Don't mind her, she's new.  
MJ: I've been here long enough to know that Jellal is hot!  
Erza: MINE!  
MJ: Even heard of looking and drooling?  
Erza: Yes. Keep it that way.  
MJ: Yes, ma'am.  
AD: What are we going to do with all these Jellal fans?  
Fairyhearts: You're one of them!  
AD: We should give them Jellal! :D  
El: Jellal *dreamy smile  
Tasha: Goku *dreamy smile  
Fairyhearts: Where did that come from?  
AD: Apparently, Dragon Ball Z  
Fairyhearts: Enough chatting!  
Everyone: R&R!  
Fairyhearts: Or F&F I don't really care. Flames are accepted!**


End file.
